A message from the lettuce

“Today, as we say goodbye to Mrs Truss, we can be proud of our Tory MPs. For this, fellow vegetables, is not simply a victory for one iceberg lettuce. This is a victory for all lettuces – Lolo Rosso, friseee, endive, romaine and beyond. Indeed lettuces throughout the country can hold their heads high and be satisfied with work well done. Mrs truss has learnt the true strength of the salad lobby. No longer will lettuces be marginalised to small side dishes. Lettuces throughout the country can expect, nay demand, to be centre plate.

And it doesn’t stop at lettuces. Radishes, cherry tomatoes, sliced beans in vinaigrette can emerge from the shadows and take their rightful place on the dinnerplate. We have a right to speak under right to be heard.

The Tories have led the country for too long. It is time for salad items and vegetables in general to stand up and be counted. I believe we need a swift transition of power from Mrs Truss and her government and I will expect to appoint my cabinet within a week. This will be a cabinet without prejudice against minority groups and, yes, sprouts will be represented in this new government of vegetable unity as we move into the broad sunlit uplands of consensus politics. I thank you for your attention”.